Let-Go-My-Ego

 We found out about this job opportunity in early June. We've both had some time to process. That alone has been a process! 

The largest obstacle for me has been my job at NPHS. For those that don't know, I've wanted to be a teacher since I was little. I never sincerely considered other career paths. I did my student teaching at NPHS in 06/07 and then waited five years for someone to die or retire so I could have their classroom. 

(Side note, what a different time that was! Today, states are finding ways to fill thousands of vacant teaching positions while simultaneously thinking they can attack and attract teachers to our profession. In the five years I was subbing, only two secondary social studies positions came open in the district. While I processed the news of leaving my position, there were over 6 similar positions posted in the FNSBSD this summer. A micro example of how education has changed in the decade and a half that I've been an educational professional.)

Like many moments in this process, I've struggled to articulate how I'm feeling about leaving NPHS - and teaching in general, for now. Azar Nafashi really nails how I'm feeling.  At the risk of sounding like an ego maniac, I think I'm really good at teaching. Or at least I'm really good at the connecting with kids part. The paperwork, the objectives, the tests, the data, the meetings...but the part that really matters, making human connections with kids at some of their most confusing and vulnerable moments? I'm good at that. There's an indescribable high that comes from moments with kids. When they come to you with something as serious as home abuse or pregnancy to the equally rewarding moments of them sharing a sports win or a job interview. My desk is full of kids saying thank you over the years. They reside in a folder called "Days I Want to Quit." I've been going through that file lately - not because I want to quit but because a side journey has presented itself. I'm known at school for going off on tangents. For planning an elaborate lesson just to have a current event steal the day. For letting kids ask genuine complex questions and letting that become the days lesson. I'm seeing this new opportunity as a very elaborate tangent from my teaching career. 

Notes from students over the years. I've always called it my "Days I Want to Quit" file. I don't want to quit but I'm feeling ready for what is next. So grateful I was told to keep every positive note from kids. I was overwhelmed and a puddle of tears going through these. I feel like I'm leaving a profession but this reminds me of the connections I've made and hopefully the differences in lives as well.

I've also gained incredible personal relationships at NPHS. I read so many forum posts from teachers who feel isolated and alone in their schools. I feel the opposite. I have a whole team of friends, colleagues, that go into each school year fully committed to students and to each other. There are days when off the cuff lesson plans go immensely well and I run over to their rooms to share the victory. There are days when it took everything to not lose my shit in front of kids and they're there on those days too. I have never made friends easily and I feel like I'm willfully leaving these ones. That is hard. 

Azar Nafashi's quote hits me in the feels. My identity as an NPHS teacher will never be the same again even if the off chance that we returned to Alaska and I got my position there again. I'll be different. The school will be different. Teaching is fickle. Every four years the collective memory of the school is wiped. In four years those students will not know me. I'll miss the person I am in this time and place but there is also incredible solace in knowing the role I've played for thousands. 

I don't know what career, or job, is next for Ms. Snider, for me, for just Kelly Snider. When Brian was offered the position I immediately started researching what I could do there. It's complicated and I'm learning new laws and rules. Maybe I'll sub. Maybe I'll find my own GS position. Maybe I won't work for a chunk of time. Each of those options means tabling my ego that is associated with being THAT teacher. Letting go of my ego has never been a strong suit of mine! I'm excited, and truthfully terrified, for hitting pause on one identity and focusing on another. 

One of those NPHS colleagues, whose more accurate title is amazing friend, said, "it's ok to be mourn for one part of your life while being excited for another." Her words were an extension of Nafashi's. I'm sad to leave NPHS - to leave teaching - but I'm also extremely astonished at the opportunity to build a whole new identity. Egos can be rebuilt and my teacher ego isn't going anywhere, it's just going into storage with so many other things. Literally and metaphorically.